Sunday 26th November

Another week seems to have gone by! The last couple of weeks have been really strange in terms of time! I am still having trouble knowing what day of the week it is! I am sure this is because it is so long since I actually did nothing for two whole weeks, that I have no markers to judge the day by. I had to think back quite hard and realised that I haven't had a two week break for 8 years! The longest beraks were a couple of 5 day breaks at a holiday camp with Nick and the girls! So actually its not surprising that I needed a proper break. Its just a shame that I had to be ill to realise!

There is an up side to all of this - and I believe with prayer, support and the power of the Holy Spirit there can always be something we learn or gain from our times in the wilderness!

• I have learned valuable things about myself. I have a much better understanding of how much of other peoples' pain I can absorb before I crash myself.
• I now know and I am strong enough to say NO even when it is really hard, even when my natural instinct to be a sponge for other people wants to take over. I realise the importance of self preservation. A soggy sponge will do no-one least of all me any good!
• All these lessons are valuable for me to take into full time ministry next year.
• Time off is very important
• Worship, attending not leading worship is essential - I have promised myself that I will timetable/diary time for worship outside my church/es when I am stationed.
• Despite always thinking that writing a journal wasn't for me, I have found it extremely helpful and I am more creative in my thinking and writing than I thought. I would like to work on this, as I actually quite like it! (sometimes I surprise myself).
• Supervision and support are an essential part of ministry. There is, however, nothing that can replace a really special friend/s. And I thank God for mine. Especailly as I didn't think I had any!

All this, of course, is common sense, which makes one feel a bit stupid. I do think though, that in the thick of things, when we are busy with our various ministries, training, studying etc etc. Its the common sense things, the things we should take for granted that slip by the wayside! So it is never stupid to remind ourselves of the little things because often they are or become the big things.

I am feeling more like my old self every day now! Something I haven't felt for several months if i'm honest. If you have read the blog about depression this is understandable. It is often hard at first to tell if it just that you're felling a bit down, emotionally overtired etc, or if the illness is back! In my case both I think!! But as I have said out of the wilderness something wonderful can happen. (I am not saying that I am wonderful) But, that, God is wonderful. Sometimes we just have to look a bit harder to see it! Sometimes we can't see it and then we have to be strong in our faith, and when that is too hard for us, be strong in the faith of others for a while!

I am reminded of Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path". When the path is dark and frightening, and you can't see the light, it is good to hold the hand of someone who can see, even if its just a glimmer!

So today;

I thank God for the wilderness, and for hearing our prayers in our wilderness, for never abandoning us even when we push Him away. I also thank God for family and friends, who also in this case didn't abandon me even though I pushed them away sometimes.

Amen

Sunday 19th November 2006

Well, I almost felt human for most of today, which is fab. There's nothing like a restful weekend to recharge the batteries. No children to look after for three whole days. The whole house to ourselves! Vegged in front of the TV yesterday after staying in bed til lunchtime, haven't done that for a while. Managed to watch 5 episodes of House, one after the other which was fab and didnt require any brain function whatsoever, so basically vegitated for the whole day!

Didnt do much else today really had a beautiful home cooked sunday roast at the inlaws, yummy! Now everyone is home and the house is buzzing again. So I'm still taking it easy after being unwell and taking each day as it comes, slowly but surley rejoining the human race!

Depression - The silent illness we never talk about!!

Depression is an illnes, it is not the same as being sad. Everyone feels sad from time to time, sometimes deeply so, (for example after the death of a loved one). Someone suffering from depression may feel sad but they feel persistently so. They do not take pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable. Other physical and mental problems are often experienced including sleep problems, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, memory problems, and physical aches and pains. People who suffer from this condition often feel worthless, helpless, and hopeless about their ability to fix things. Their waking life is a living nightmare. No matter how hard they try to snap out of it, they feel as though they are falling into an abyss with nothing to hold on to. The smallest mishap, spilling a spot of milk, as it were, becomes the end of the world.

Clinical depression has a strong biological, rather than psychological, basis. Although it can often be brought on by stress, it can strike at any time and sometimes without warning, particulalry if you have suffered from it previously. This can make its onset even more difficult, you may end up questioning yourself, Why am I so unhapy when I dont have too much to be unhappy about? Whats wrong with me? why can't I cope with the ordinary tasks of daily life? Even getting dressed becomes a chore!

This becomes even more acute for me, in my role as a pastoral carer, to be vulnerable and weak in times when you are supposed to be the strong one, makes the onset of another bout of depression even more distressing. That cry of deriliction from the cross becomes very real when you realise that you, yourself are completely helpless! It takes strength and time to admit that you feel completely forsaken by everyone, including God. Old wounds, that you once felt were healed may resurface their ugly head during a time when you feel so uterly abandoned.

I can not imagine what it is like to live with a someone with depression, not much fun I suppose!

So my message is for those of you who live with depression in a family member or a friend, and for those of you who are pastoral carers, try not to feel helpless, there is no quick fix!

It really does help to know that whilst I cannot talk to God for a while, that the prayers continue. And despite not always feeling it myslef, I know somewhere in the depths of me, through the strength of faith of my brothers and sisters in Christ, that He is always present. It is perhaps the imaturity of our faith that prevents us from seeing this. As the hymn by F. Pratt Green says:

When our Confidence is shaken
In beliefs we thought secure;
When the spirit in its sickness
Seeks but cannot find a cure:
God is active in the tensions
Of a faith not yet mature.

Solar systems, void of meaning,
Freeze the spirit into stone;
Always our researches lead us
To the ultimate Unknown:
Faith must die or come full circle
To its Source in God alone.

In the discipline of praying,
When it's hardest to believe;
In the drudgery of caring,
When its not enough to grieve:
Faith, maturing, learns acceptance
Of the insights we receive.

God is love; and he redeems us
In the Christ we crucify:
This is God's eternal answer
To the world's eternal why;
May we in this faith maturing
Be content to live and die!

Part of the healing involves realisation that there is a problem! In the depths of despair there seems no hope, when you admit to yourself that your despair is not your fault, then the light at the end of the tunnel of utterable aloneness, glimers somewhere in the distance!

As carers of friends and family or of congregations all that you can do is to stand in the dark alongside those who are hurting! The occasional hug might help too!

For those of us who suffer from this illness one can only hope that out of the darkness will emerge the wounded healer, whom with the strength of the Holy Spirit can pastor with integrity!

No cheescake for me!

I just opened the fridge to get some milk for a cup of coffee and to my delight and surprise there is very large homemade cheescake in there!!!

Unfortunately there is a large note on the plate saying

• Don't even think about it mum!

Aren't children great